Thursday, October 27, 2016

Some Friday Truths

I'm struggling.

There. I said it.

After months of silence and reading and re-reading Kelly’s post on an all too similar topic, I felt that final nudge to finally face my computer screen and write. Just get it all out there.. because, well, it’s time.

It’s been a particularly wild last few months with packing, selling, buying, moving to my parent’s house, managing a partial but pretty massive (for us reno-newbies) renovation of our new house and coordinating our upcoming move in a few days finally into our new home.. all while trying desperately to stay on track. "On track" in my world means avoiding carbs at all costs, trying to stay active and pushing forward with my health journey and y’all, I’ve been failing, falling down, picking myself back up and falling even further. Over. And. Over. Again.

Coming back from a 2 week vacation is one thing— but trying to come back each new day and to move past stupid, thoughtless food decisions week after week is quite another. And I’m tired of feeling so tired of it. A year ago, I had it in the bag and I felt pretty confident that at this exact moment I’d be nearing (or close to) the finish line of this giant struggle that has been the story of 25 of my 30 years.. and then despite what great, low carb food I was fueling my body with, I stalled. I pushed through and gave it my all until I couldn’t stand the sight of the scale reading the same number week after week, month after month. And then one evening in May, Ben and I had a conversation that would change everything— his sometimes 2 hour commute was getting harder and harder to bear— and we ultimately decided to sell our beautiful first home to move across the metroplex closer to the job he loves so much to begin our third chapter. And while I feel so blessed that we sold our home in 11 days, found a house we LOVE in our dream neighborhood with a pretty sweet little 15 minute commute for my husband, and the knowledge of this being the place we will be putting actual roots down and starting our family, it’s been quite the summer of transition and “in-betweens” with a little fun and random adventures mixed in. (Hey, it hasn’t all been stressful. Let's be serious.)

But if you know me at all, you know that change is hard for me and I’m nothing if not sticky in the transitions. I feel unsettled having our belongings scattered from McKinney to Dallas in storage units and the entire top floor of my parent's house, projects not yet finished and deadlines and dates looming-- it's all just a lot for this Type A who's obsessed with the details. The millions of little tiny details that all need to happen to make this transition as easy as possible and less sticky than it really is. And while I know this is temporary, I also know that we are surrounded by such an amazing circle of support who we are SO consistently blessed by. All that to be said, there is no excuse for not pushing through for myself because this transition has just required more energy and time than I ever imagined. And then somewhere in the middle of all of that, I learned that sometimes street tacos tend to make everything better. Or at least for a little while.

Close friends keep asking when my next post is, all excited to see how I'm transforming cauliflower all day every day, what I’m adding to my meals to mask the fact that there are no starches in sight and I should have been real with them. That response would have looked something like this: I have nothing to blog about because I’m kind of tired of avoiding bread like the plague so I had some Chick Fil-A today while picking up MORE moving materials because we’re on our third storage unit and I went to this pretty sweet little taco joint a few months ago and have yet to go a day without thinking about their al pastor tacos because it seriously hit the spot and I’m kind of tired of cauliflower anyway. And makeup? I'm just using the same ol' same ol' day in and day out (for the most part) because it's easy, it works and I haven't had 2 seconds to follow my favorite bloggers, Youtubers or peruse Sephora for hours per my normal pre-moving, pre-total craziness life.

So I never really had an answer. I kept telling the people close to me that I needed to fill up my own cup before I could share the encouragement with everyone else, and that should have been my first tip off that I was in a disaster zone. That was my biggest mistake. This is real life. Real, messy, chaotic life, and not every waking moment of this journey is blog-perfect. Actually, almost none of it is. And that's okay. And so, I’m sorry for not being more forthcoming in sharing my struggle because my guess is, we’ve all been there. You’ve been there. Maybe you are there. With me. And together we eat good, then eat a little bad, then eat SUPER good and then maybe go a little off plan for days on end as we convince ourselves that we don’t have a problem. That we’re just a little off track, that it’s no big deal, we’ll swear off the food we should be avoiding tomorrow--and for a whole week this time! And then we feel guilty and disgusting. And then super good. And then deprived. And the cycle continues.

Don’t get me wrong, not every day is a gorge fest filled with something deliciously not on plan. I have days and even weeks of strength and success.. and then something happens and I get a little bit too excited about the new, fancy bread section at Central Market and at that point, I can pretty much convince myself that I do actually eat bread.. and that there’s nothing wrong with it. People eat bread all the time and they're fine. And those are the days that I can somehow completely ignore and/or forget what I set out to do and how I’m going to finish what I started all those months ago. How can that be? Thirty years on this earth and even still.. sometimes I lose track of myself and my journey to the point where I think if my clothes still fit, it’s not a problem and that I’m just like everyone else. But I’m not. I’m not everyone else. I’m me. Bloated to the max after pieces of the best rustic, crusty bread. Loathing exercise more often than I care to share because I absolutely HATE it. Lover of good food. A little wine. Some cheese. Some crackers. Maybe some sushi if I’m feeling fancy. All of that pairs perfectly well with a gorgeous view or amazing company or a fun night out. Social food, ya know? At the end of the day, I'm really just a girl trying to get healthy and manage emotional eating in a world of deliciously fancy grocery stores, quaint, incredible restaurants and pumpkin everything EVERY.WHERE. I turn.

In any case, if you’ve made it this far in this post, bless you. I’m not even sure who I’m writing this to or for other than my soul.. because I just needed to send this message out into the universe. And while I don’t have a detailed plan as to how exactly I’m going to tackle the second leg of this journey, I know that living this life where I avoid entire food groups 99% of the time just isn’t going to work because that 1% is where it counts. It can nearly ruin everything if you feel deprived. If you lose sight of your goal, that measly 1% of the wrong food can perpetuate weeks and weeks of being off and on track. For me anyways. I know in my heart of hearts that not only do I need to rethink how I look at food and the emotions tied to it, I also need something with just the tiniest bit more flexibility. I want to live somewhere between diligently counting my carbs and also giving myself some good, old fashioned grace and just enough freedom to not feel the constant pressure of "you can't eat that, or that.. ever. It's meat, cheese, veggies all day every day!" Because sometimes, life happens. Tacos will happen. I’m not looking for a quick fix nor have I ever.

I know full and well that this will be the biggest, messiest, ugliest struggle of my life.. for the rest of my life, long past the day I reach my goal. And I'm determined to see that day come once and for all sooner rather than later! I have goals to reach and a journey to continue and I feel pretty confident that if you go at something for so long with the same tools and the same formula day in and day out, you’re bound to get stuck. At least in my experience. Bodies are funny that way and that’s where I failed. And that’s exactly the point I want to go back and revisit. I'm excited, albeit a little nervous, to try out some new tools in my toolbox and a fresh approach as I wade back in to the dark, murky water of my journey's restart. I don’t have the same body or the same restarting weight I did at the beginning of this journey--thank goodness--and so things need to be different and should have been switched up and tweaked long ago. I just know that trying the same thing over and over with no results is pretty much the definition of insanity and who has time for that? #notme

So if you’re struggling, you’re not alone. I’ve been with you silently for the last few months on that struggle bus and I say it’s time we start the second leg of this journey where we continue what we started. You’re going to be okay. Your struggles do not define you. This little story of your life is messy and chaotic but ya know what? You’re here. I’m here. And we somehow made it. It’s nice to meet you all over again.. We can do this.

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